ALL things went WRONG

30/9/09

i got my last exam paper today

i got shocked when i got it

really very very shocked

but it was not a good result

i was the highest in class before

my marks dropped very very much

i totally could not accept it

because many of them better than me

i wished to cry but i didn't

my mind and heart were empty

i shouted during the retirement assembly

but it didn't work for me

i returned home and wished to online

just want to express my feelings

but even the hand phone also bully me

i was in anger and wished to throw it away

but i was self-controlling

the rice was so hard to eat

it was not same with the usual and not nice

my dad bought peanut soup from pasar malam

but i couldn't eat it due to sore throat

and someone sms me to tell me something

because got a person dissatisfy with me

haiz~~ well , i knew what should i do

all minor things add together

were enough to make me fed up

tired today.. very very tired with my life..

i didn't have the chance

29/10/09
chose camp committee today
many of us aimed to be instructor
but the chances are limited
there are many people have the potential
i expected i wouldn't be chosen
finally , the result came out
those who being chosen were
lcy , swt , wsh , cxw , wwn , jl , njq
i had no response when i saw the list
i already expected it??
or i just didn't know how to describe my feelings??
but i know... they are better than me
i could not do anything to change their decision
i was disqualified
so what i could do was... just to accept it
i thought i was really that tough enough
when i returned home
i felt disappointed
not to anyone but just myself
i participated camp for 4 years
last year... i got chance to be assistant leader
but finally i just be a QM
i was still OK with it as i thought i could be an instructor this year
but i knew it was just my day dreaming
it was not my turn yet
i was sure next year those who being chosen
will take part in the camp also
so..........i would not get any chance to be instructor
OMG.. the pose i got in camp was just a QM in 5 years??!!
and it was the only time and only year..
am i very useless??

变化

.曾经有人说过...
有我出现的地方...
就有一道强烈的光茫与一股傲气跟随着我...
因为我的样子总是酷酷的...不爱笑...
而我的长发也常在风吹中特出了我的熬气...
那就是我的特色...
但这也同时吸引了不少人的注意力...
甚至有数人崇拜我呢...
我不晓得那是否是个事实...
如果是,我也不知道那是好是坏...
但不知从何时开始,我发现自己的光茫逐渐减少了...
是我变低调了...还是自已的能力已不如当初了呢?
我也不清楚...
我在尽量把自已的光茫减少...
只因我想过回一个平凡女生的生活~

the 1st memory with my dear *eleena*

23/8- last day exam

after school

something mad happen

so i went parade with eleena

we took picture in fitting room

haha!! self-loving us

my new hair style^^

haha.. how do i look in this new hair style??

~getting far apart~

recently i felt i lost a lot of friends
my best friend less reply my message
but i never blame him
as his friend , i should understand him
and forgive him for that

my soh mui became the previous me
she is so cool to me now
less reply my message
maybe she is just busy enjoying her life

*i may think too much in the 2 cases above
but also feel worry and sad
i don't hope to lose two friends who und me much
but i really feel our friendship has far apart
although i know they never forget about me

someone said i treat her very cool recently
ya.. many friends said i looked cool at school
i admitted it
but in fact , i just treat few friends cool
some cause no topic cause less chance to meet
but...... 1 is i don't know how to face her
every time she walks towards me
i will try to escape , leave asap
i don't know whether i am right
she is my good friend
i think even her own self also don't know
what is the problem between us
by the way , i feel sorry to her
but i really can''t take her as friend like last time
she made me got hurt but she don't know
or maybe she knows but purposely do so??
haiz~~ i really don't know
dare not to guess it also
just hope to know the truth
but who can tell me?? neither of you
will i just lose 1 good friend like that??
i really don't know.. hope won't~~

it was OVER..... or not??

2 weeks exam

it made me felt very tired and upset

i dare not to take the results next week

i knew it will be very bad

i didn't do my revision well

due to many reasons

whenever i wanted to do the revision

something happened and troubled me

it affected my mood to read

they were SUCKS for me

it would be my worst results

in year 2009

haiz~~

however , it finally gone to the end

no matter how is it

i have to be ready to accept it

huh~~

exam was over

does it mean that all those problems over too??

definitely they are still confusing me

i got tired from that

just wish to stop everything in my life

don't want to bother anything anymore

but i know i can't

that's my style

to pick all the burdens on my own shoulders

how long i am going to suffer more??

it is infinity

am i CHANGED??

Su ann asked me something today:
"jie , why you looked so cool today?"
Wei teng asked me something too:
"qin.. why are you treating me so weird recently?"
'how do i treat you?? any difference??'
"yes.. lack of the warmness (re qing) from you.'
'what had i done and make you feel so??'
"you act cool and i hardly see you smile.."


i didn't explain anything to her
just gave the reason that i was having p pain
am i really changed to be a cooler person??
why will i become like that??
or just treat some of them like that??
no.. as what she said
i seemed knew so many things happened recently
i felt tired with all those things
and started to be speechless
sorry everyone.. i couldn't have a hearty smile now
not much people know that i am just pretending
those who know it really understand me much
i don't wish to change and hurt anyone
sorry to all my dears~~

something from her~~

when i reached school

jessmin showed me something

i saw many 'sorry' wrote on the whiteboard

it was to me but i didn't know what happened

i looked down to the right corner

chai yan's name was there

she said sorry to me?? 270 words of sorry

why? what happened?? she looked at me

after she finished talking to mr lai

she came towards me and passed me a letter

i had a look on it

she said she knew what had she said and hurt me

she was not purposely to do it

she told me that her mood was very bad yesterday

she never mind with what people said about her

she won't even mind if got anyone hate her

but after argued with me , she got very moody

she didn't like the feel of arguing with me

argue with me and others are not the same??

but she doesn't even want to argue with others

cause she doesn't feel want to bother what they say

chai yan lao gong..

i didn't aim to argue with you

just my mood not good yesterday

and really angry with what you said

sorry~~ hope our friendship will remain the same^^

durin the meeting...

she played my hair..shocked me

she was the only 1 who realised that i was not well

and cared for me.. hehe.. thx~~

-it is SUCKS-

THERE'S A MEETING FOR ALL CAMP OC TODAY
I WENT TO SCHOOL WISH A SLEEPY CONDITION
OH DAMN~~ I WAS HAVING A SERIOUSLY P PAIN!!
WHEN I RETURNED HOME , THERE WAS NOBODY
I FELT SO DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE I NEED THEM MUCH
I WENT FOR BATHE.. IT GETTING MORE SERIOUS
I SMS HIM.. BUT HE WAS NOT THAT SUPPORT ME
I THOUGHT WE ARGUED AGAIN.. HAIZ~~
WHEN MY MUM RETURNED HOME
I ASKED HER WHETHER SHE WOULD COOK
SHE DIDN'T GIVE ME A GOOD ANSWER
STILL BLAMED THAT I BATHED SLOW
OMG.. DON'T SHE KNOW THAT I CAN'T GET HUNGRY??
I WOULD GET GASTRIC.. WUWU~ PITY ME
HAIZ~~ NOBODY REALISED WHY WAS I LYING ON THE SOFA
HUGGING MY PILLOW AND SAT A SIDE
NOBODY ASKED ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME
WHY SEEMED NOBODY CARE ME ON THIS WORLD??
AM I REALLY THAT NO WORTH TO BEING CARED??
TEARS DRIPPING DOWN FROM MY EYES
I HATE MY LIFE. HATE MY LONELY LIFE..
HATE MY HOME.. IT HAD CHANGED
LAST TIME THAT HOME SWEET HOME HAD LOST
I COULDN'T FIND IT BACK ANYMORE
IT DOESN'T BELONG TO ME NOW
I FED UP.. I WISHED TO RUN AWAY FROM THIS HOME
AS FAR AS I COULD.. IT IS JUST A COLD FEELING HERE
THAT'S WHY I RATHER ALWAYS STAY AT SCHOOL
AT LEAST I CAN CHAT WITH MY FRIENDS
I FIND THAT EVEN ST JOHN IS A WARMER 'HOME' FOR ME
EVERYBODY CARES ME IN THIS SOCIETY
I LOVE EVERYONE THERE MUCH
ESPECIALLY THE F4 COMMITTEE
MY BIG FAMILY THERE.. MY LGs , LP , LUIs N MUIs